


I hope

by HappinessisJuuzou (Moongirlx)



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Established Relationship, First Person, M/M, New Relationship, Panic Attacks, Rei's Point of View
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 18:45:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8764711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moongirlx/pseuds/HappinessisJuuzou
Summary: Just a little stream of consciousness in which Rei suffers from terrible anxiety and doesn't want Nagisa to know just how bad it is.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I was feeling some things about my relationship with my partner and so I just kinda..put them here. Making the OTP suffer cuz thats what I do, I guess.
> 
> This is probably crappy and I might delete it at some point? Dunno.

If he knew, if he knew just how bad it was, he would surely leave me. 

He knows about it. But I hide the worst from him. When we're together I try my hardest to smash it down when it tries to rear its ugly head.

I can feel it, sneaking up on me in the least subtle way. I feel it in the way my body begins to tense, my muscles began to shake as if I'm freezing when I'm so far from it. I'm burning up from the inside out. It can never be ignored. When I manage to push it away, to laugh in it's face, it only comes back stronger, a beast that's been angered.

It's ridiculous, really. You would think that I would be happy. I'm studying at the university I always  I have a fantastic relationship with my family, they're accepting of me and completely lovely. My friends are supportive and though we don't see each other often, when we do, it's like coming back to where I belong, where I've always belonged.

And, I have him. My best friend of four years, now my... boyfriend. Nagisa, for all of his childish ideas and smart-assed comments, is one of the most kind-hearted souls I've had the pleasure to meet so far. 

When he confessed his feelings to me, blushing and staring down at his sneakers, the toes of which were digging into the grass so intently I could almost hear it ripping out, everything felt right. It was like for that moment, when he finally looked up at me, his eyes glowing gently with the colors of the sunset behind me, I was going to be okay, for lack of a better word.

Sadly, things didn't work out like that. They rarely do.

On our second date, we went to a nice sushi place, and then out for ice cream afterwards. On the first date I'd skated by with little to no issue, but this was another story.

Each time I took a bite, my throat threatened to close, and I had to force myself to swallow because the only other option was spitting out the food into a napkin and that was unacceptable.

My face was hot, leaving me feeling like one of those preposterous cartoon characters with smoke coming out of its ears. My hands trembled, and I clenched the left one tightly around my ice cream cup. Nagisa was focused on the excessively pink treat in front of him, and thankfully didn't notice my distress. But I knew it was only a matter of time before he found out.

And when he did, the only foreseeable outcome was him leaving me.

Why would a carefree person with such a positive outlook on things want to be attached to someone like me?

Someone who does things twice to make sure they're actually done. Someone who paces up and down the street during a particularly bad attack. Someone who can't go too far from home in case anxiety strikes. Someone who can't stay up late due to the medication he's prescribed. 

Nagisa deserves more than that. He deserves someone as positive as he is, not someone who's dragged down by their mental state each and every day. He deserves someone who can stay in and watch mobies, without being restless and needing to leave. He deserves someone who can show him around all the things there are to see in Japan, no matter how much traveling is involved. He deserves someone who can give him the nighttime outings and all nighters he enjoys so much.

Nagisa deserves someone so much better for me. Maybe we aren't well matched. Maybe I'm selfish for keeping him by me when I know I shouldn't hold him back. I should let him be free, so he can find someone that can match his snarky comments, instead of getting their feelings hurt. Someone who will take him on road trips. Someone the opposite of me. 

I'm uptight, and I have too many things weighing me down. I don't enjoy life every day. Not like Nagisa does. For me, enjoying a day is being able to get through it without panicking.

Nagisa has seen me panic before. It only happened once. During my first week of university. I don't know what happened exactly, but we were in my dorm, I was studying and Nagisa was doing something on his phone. Probably reblogging inappropriate things on Tumblr. And then it hit me.

A sense of dread, my whole body shaking so hard I felt like I couldn't walk, but yet I _needed_ to get up and walk. I pushed my chair out from the desk so hard it hit the floor, and ran out into the hall, searching for the fire escape, desperate for outside air.

I leaned against the railing, trying to slow my breathing and regulate my heart rate.

Nagisa peeked his golden head around the exit, then stepped onto the fire escape with me, trembling slightly in just his t-shirt and shorts.

"Rei-chan... what's going on?" His mouth was turned down at the corners, an expression so rarely on that beautiful face.

He joined me at the railing, resting a hand gently on my arm. "You had a panic attack, didn't you? Nanami used to get those when I was younger. Is it school? It's gonna be okay, Rei-chan. You should give yourself a break sometimes."

As I looked at him in shock, he looked up at me with eyes clear and seemingly all-knowing. He wrapped his arms around me, still shivering slightly, and I felt safe for just a moment.

After that, I was determined to convince him that that panic attack was a one time thing. I couldn't let him know how much it crippled me.

I was constantly making excuses for why I didn't want to go places, or do things, when really, all that was in the way was my own fear. Not because it was raining, or because it was expensive outing, or I needed to study. But because I'm full of fear. I always am. It's my constant state of being.

And along with my relationship, came a new fear. The fear that I'd scare him off, or that my constant rejection of all the things he suggested we do would finally get to him, and he'd become tired of me. I can't bear the thought of seeing Nagisa walk away from me when we've only just begun. There is so much more for us to do still, for us to experience together.

And I know that one day, hopefully someday soon, when I get better, because I will get better, if he sticks with me that long, I'll be able to give him all the things I want to. We'll go on adventures, spontaneous or planned, we'll stay up all night and tell stories and do face masks, and things will be good.

But for now, all I can hope is that he chooses to stay beside me long enough for that to happen. Long enough for him to see that day.


End file.
